mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
