I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
