I wish I could teleport
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
