There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
