The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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