I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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