what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
