He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
