Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
