So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
