New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
