One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
