I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
