How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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