I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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