remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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