The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
