Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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