I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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