he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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