Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
