im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
