The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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