I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I will be naked everywhere
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
