Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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