Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You smell like stripper and shame
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
