K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He shit in the fireplace
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
