i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
