ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
