I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
