Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
