I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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