How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
