just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
