if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
