Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
