mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
