Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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