listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
