I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize