You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
