It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
