Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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