You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
