You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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