the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
