i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
