I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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