I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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