the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We have started to decorate penises.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
