I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize