you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The uberlube is also flammable
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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