I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Houston, we have a squirter
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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