No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
