those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i think my cat just said my name.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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