Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
