i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
