Nicole vs. Life
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
