bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
