My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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