i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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