Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I looked at my own cervix.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
