sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
